[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
i really liked this one
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh