I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I saw nothing
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”