I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 馃槶馃槖馃ぃ FIRST OF ALL
You Might Also Like
[baker鈥檚 school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle鈥檚 armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I鈥檓 going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I don鈥檛 trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?