Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨