I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
moms in horror movies
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying