Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
In Canada they just call them geese
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
it is time once again
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.