*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.