1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: