[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.