When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Don’t frighten the programmers!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
seems fine
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.