DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.