Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.