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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
it was love at first sight
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.