Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…