See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
You Might Also Like
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
This took me a second..
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.