Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Candles never taste the way they smell