If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever