I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You Might Also Like
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them