Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
How to make infinite energy.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*