If looks could kill
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Dance like you’re not the father
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —