“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”