Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“i miss shittin on people”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”