The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.