Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Legend 🤣🤣
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking