ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I think this cat is broken
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.