I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.