The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
choose your gary
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.