Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.