omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You Might Also Like
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Weighing up my bread heating options
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.