YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You Might Also Like
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.