grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
#damn
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.