Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Meow
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.