Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert