Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
honestly, i need both:
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭