*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
you gotta be faster
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?