[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
You Might Also Like
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Van Gone
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!