14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them