7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time