DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
New mindset, who dis?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
yeet
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..