*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.