my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.