Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.