I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support