My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
You Might Also Like
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.