Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
…żyje?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.