i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.