Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
kids play hide and seek like
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.