Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me My dog
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.