Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”