Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.